Updates for Saturday, December 24th [2005]

From the Halls of Montezuma (Part 2)



It is the eve of Christmas and I have some important news, I continue to recall the events as they happened, updating again from Julius' laptop...

Daniel: What the heck are we doing in Chinatown? I thought we were tracking some international spy Illuminati guy? Why haven't we left Portland?

Julius: According to the research and lookups I did, he is here. He followed me here, although he probably thinks I am at my old apartment, the one I had when I worked at Chronotech. We should stop there soon. I found one of his fake aliases on a flight manifest using some of his research tools and tricks, then I called the hotels in the area for people listed under that name. I found one, here in Chinatown.

Daniel: I feel like I'm in some bad Jackie Chan movie, being in Chinatown on a stakeout. Hey, Chris Tucker, what do we do now?

Me: Chris who?

Daniel: It's a joke man. Good movie though. "War! Uh! Good God! What is it good for! ABSOLUTELY NOTHING!"... man, kickass. Well?

Me: Patience is both a vice and a virtue, Daniel. Today, we wait.

Daniel: So yeah, man, it is cold as shit out here.

Julius: I see movement... there he is. That's him, that's our target. Stay low. He's moving towards the car! We gotta follow.

That we did. We had Daniel discreetly tail him, with Julius hidden in the back. We tried to be as inconspicuous as possible. The first stop was, oddly enough, at a "gay" club. Daniel was the one we hoped would pursue, but he was reluctant to enter the establishment.

Me: So why won't you go in there? He doesn't know you.

Daniel: Oh no, in the words of a wise man, "Screw you guys, I'm going home."

Julius: Grow up Dan, it is just a gay bar.

Daniel: JUST a gay bar?

Me: A gay bar? Sounds rather fun!

Daniel: Thomas, what are you talking about? Oh, fuck, how do I explain this? You don't understand. Those dudes like, like each other.

Me: Well, I wouldn't drink with a man I didn't like.

Julius: They're homosexuals, Tom, they're queer.

Me: They're queer? In what way?

Daniel: The gay way!

Me: What is so queer about that?

Julius: You've never seen a gay bar before? It's a place for men who like to have sex with each other.

Me: Wait, you mean... sodomites? This is a molly house?

Daniel: Yeah, sure, whatever. Total grossness. I'm not going in there to be some leather man's butt buddy. They have male dancers there, and I don't want some man's meat swinging in my face.

Julius: Wait, he's coming back out.

Daniel: Why is he yelling at that those two gay guys? The bouncer seems pissed.

Me: Two guys? No, I see one man, one woman, and the bouncer.

Daniel: That's not a woman, Tommy-boy.

Me: Oh, but, uh... OH. Ugh.

Daniel: I know man, I know.

Me: I must certainly say that "man" is certainly without taste. The real question remains: why would our mystery man walk into a cavorting house for perverts, only to strike up a raucous?

Julius: Good question. Let's wait a moment, go inside, and find out what happened.

Daniel: Okay, fuck that, I'm not going. If you want to speak to a chubby gay dude in a biker jacket and his transsexual lover, go for it. I signed up for international espionage, not hitting on gay dudes. Plus, he's getting away!

Julius: You're right. How about this, Thomas, you get out of the car and go ask the gay men what happened, while me and Daniel will pursue our agent.

Me: Do I have to?

Daniel: Do you know how to drive one of these new fangled horseless carriages?

Me: Not yet.

Daniel: Well, someone has to drive Julius to chase this guy down... so that has to be me. You're the only one free to get out and go talk to them.

Julius: He's right. We'll be back soon. Just get out. Go ask those men what happened.

Me: If you say so...

So, I got out of the car, and approached the fellows as Daniel and Julius drove off in pursuit the mysterious man.

Me: Excuse me, sir & madame, or rather, sirs, may I trouble you for a moment to inquire as to the nature of that dispute?

Trannie: Listen honey, there is just so much intolerance in the world that I can deal with while out with my man. We're blowing this popsicle stand, or I'm blowing this popsicle stand, take your pick.

Leather Man: Listen brother, I was just sitting there minding my own business, when this high and mighty asshole comes barging in. Starts bashing on fags everywhere.

Me: Without a few good fags, how could one have a proper fire?

Trannie: That's exactly what I'm saying baby. You wanna come join me and my leather stallion tonight?

Me: Uh... I think I'll pass. You are no Éon de Beaumont.

Trannie: Whatever cutie, have it your way.

Me: So, he did nothing but contest the sodomites in this establishment?

Leather Man: He said something about the Jews and the U.N., too. I wouldn't bet a strap across the back on that one, though.

Me: Well, I will occupy no more of your time. Have a good day, sir &... well, uh, just have a good day.

I must certainly say in this awkward and confusing age that when men dress up like women and it is a matter of everyday circumstance, it must certainly say something about the nature of modern society. Perhaps I can fit room on my pending letter to Congress about this, as well. I waited in the area for about three hours, when Daniel and Julius reported back to me with news that they had indeed followed the Illuminati agent to Julius' old residence, and then back to the motel. We decided to gather together a plan, should the situation come to ahead. Due to the proximity to the holidays, there will be little else going on, so we think it is a wise time to strike.

Soon we will know more about what is going on here, I sometimes wonder if I know myself. Good Christmas eve to all you friends, and merry jollity & mirth to one and all,

- TH. Jefferson

Editor's Notes:

I give Jefferson a bit of lenience when it comes to the issue of homosexuality, although I am entirely certain he would be thoroughly disgusted. I am perhaps even under-reporting his views on the subject in this update. An actual Virginian bill he authored suggested not only castration as a punishment for sodomy, but for women, the slicing of a hole into the bridge of her nose (quite the extreme position)... however, these penalties were to replace the existing punishment - the death penalty, which he felt was far too extreme. It is questionable whether in authoring the bill Jefferson was trying to seek out that punishment for gay people, or if he was just making a compromised attempt to wind back the extremity of what was the existing law. The bill addressing sodomy ranged more broadly than just homosexuality, in his times that same law also addressed rape, bestiality and child molestation, the punishment of gays was arguably not even the primary focus of the bill (the primary focus instead being rape). Ultimately I believe a modern Jefferson would be much less offended by homosexuality in today's environment, perhaps even tolerant, but the topic would no doubt make him more than a little uneasy.

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