It was on recent occassion that I, on my own accord, knowing of it's local praise and veneration, attended the stage performance and motion film at the "Jefferson Theater". I now protest that such an establishment share my namesake, and here I air my grievances.
When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one person to disagree with the film and performance of another and to divide paths, amongst them, assuming seperate powers of the stage, provided separate and equal station to which the Laws of good cinema and of Nature's common decency entitle them, a simple respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation of oneself and the afforementioned moving-picture whore shanty.
I hold these truths to be self-evident, that not ALL men are created to be perverts, watching such nudity and film with people in various stages of undress and that these same men are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Common Decencies, that among these are the right to live Being Clothed, Not Purchasing phallic Objects at a concessions stand, and not Fornicating in public Display.--That to secure these Decencies, people like me must protest and air grievances to protect my good name, --That whenever any Form of Bad Cinema becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of Decent People to complain and protest against it, and to hopefully ask the community to create a new Cinema, free of perversion and lewdity, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect the Safety and Happiness of their Eyes. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Cinemas long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn, that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while Gross Public Displays of Affection are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute and total Indecency, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Bad Film and Cinema, and to employ new Stage Actors for their future security, hopefully, fully clothed ones at that.--Such has been the patient sufferance of me and the Good people of this city. This theater is really disgusting, and To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.
1. The Theater had distasteful phallic objects on display, particularly one that appeared to be made of chocolate.
2. The Theater had patrons who were old and lewd, requesting to perform sexual acts on my person, unsolicitied.
3. That the Theater allowed patrons to seat in the stage performance, in many manners of disrobing, to partake in whatever fornications or wild indulgances they might see fit.
4. The Theater has called together seating arrangements at places unusual, uncomfortable, and distant from the screen, behind one particular sort who leered at me, for the sole purpose of fatiguing patrons like myself into compliance with the public Indecencies...
5. The Theater allowing to show, on screen, the nudity and sex of couples, which while not something I would outlaw, was something I could not and would not tolerate, in this case disgusting me and forcing me to spit up my popcorn, and enquiring my mind as to why I paid for such Services.
6. The Theater let it's patrons near the front to openly fornicate, despite their disgusting state of disrobing, while onlookers leered.
Surely this was all I could tolerate. In every stage of these Indecencies I have Petitioned for Redress in the most humble terms: My repeated Petitions have been answered only by repeated lack of care for the Theater's state of Indecency, and a particularly rude concessions person who insisted I "relax, man". A Patronage whose characters are thus marked by every act which may define a bunch of old Perverts, is definitely unfit to be the sole Cinema to share my namesake in this fine city.
I hope my open petition is met with a change, perhaps there being the creation of such a theater with my namesake that requires CLOTHING. If not, then be damned if I won't take my business elsewhere, and offer my name to other stages which have more decent presentations; preferably with the lack of old people in various stages of undress in the audience.
On another note, Saturday I recieved word for an interview Monday with a local Pantry. I will report to you, my friends, the occurances of the day.
Your affectionate Friend and Humble Servnt,
- Thomas Jefferson