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My Thoughts On: April 21st, 2003

Retrospective comment (2009): This is the oldest front page post I have left in my database. My website has gone through countless revisions, so this is by no means the oldest post ever, just the oldest one I have in my current database.

Well, I've been up for a while, thinking about some things. My good friend from Michigan is coming into town to visit, that'll be nice. But I have some worries I guess that always persist. I don't have a lot of friends, so when the few you have come around, you kinda take notice of these things.

I don't know. I feel like sometimes that I'm out of the loop. I don't do what most people do, I dislike liquor, drugs, bars, pubs, clubs, raves... I don't get out much on account of it. And I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I'm not "straight edge", good lord no, but I shouldn't have to compromise my standards to make a few friends. You think they would just come through the natural discourse of daily life. They usually don't.

In my last few years I've had only a few really close friends. The rest were more or less friendly associates, not really close companions or anything. And for over 4 years I haven't had a relationship of any sort. I'm beginning to think that it'll be a few years yet before the situation changes, and that disturbs me. I don't feel like I'm capable of handling that. I'm excited to see my friend tomorrow, but I don't know quite what I'll have to look forward to afterwards.

When I conceptualized the Intelligentsia idea, which you can find more about @ the 'NAM, my ideas largely were placed on how others view me. I say there that the Intelligentsia were leaders of ideas, and well, I don't lead ideas if no one looks up to me. So if I want to fulfill my role in being a member of the Intelligentsia, I need to do my part in effecting the ideas of others more.

Sometimes I feel like it's just not going to happen, but we'll see.

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